The Best BAD Query Contest 2015

Happy Monday, Folks! I'm here for Sharon Bayliss' second annual Bad Query Contest. 

Here is how to play:

1) Sign up on the linky list
2) On 6/1/15, Post your TERRIBLE query and 35 word pitch on your blog (or however many words you feel like...no need to follow guidelines here). If you wish, also tweet your pitch with the #bestbadpitch tag.
3) Read the other entries and come back here to vote for the worst!

The winner will get a $25 Amazon gift card and the honor of sucking it up the most in 2015! 

This contest is all about FUN! It's not about being mean to anyone, including yourself! So that means no real queries or pitches and no basing your query or pitch on a real book or author. You must write a query and pitch from scratch using all your backwards creative juices to make it a real stinker.

Dearest esteemed publishers,

Greetings. It's Joe Bloggs here. You may remember I queried The Quest of the Orphan Boy last year. 
It's okay that you rejected that story, and I'm sorry I pooped on your lawn. I cleared it up, and made you cookies. *cookies smell suspiciously of poop*.

I have an even better story for you this year, that's guaranteed to make you millions, and be turned into a Box Office hit in Hollywood.

Lori is a sad panda. All she wants is to find a nice mate, but all the other pandas thing she's over-weight. 

Lori the panda considers liposuction, but then her best friend Hillary the Marine Turtle says you shouldn't change for any man.

Just when Lori is beginning to think she'll never find love, in walks Enrique and turns her world upside down.

Tall, dark, handsome and mysterious, Enrique is every girl panda's dream. But something about the brooding Enrique doesn't add up. When they first meet, he tells Lori he's an astronaut, but after their first date, he mentions he's a spy for the secret service.

Who is Enrique? Lori needs to find out soon, because she's fast falling for the enigmatic Enrique, and her heart can't hold on any longer. 

But then tragedy strikes. Poor Hillary is hit by a falling meteor, and in the aftermath, it's revealed Enrique isn't an astronaut or a spy. He isn't even a panda!

He was an American black bear who'd painted white stripes on himself.

Lori's world is in turmoil. She's lost her best friend in a freak accident, and the man she loves is an impostor. 

One night, Hillary's spirit comes to Lori in a dream, and tells her she can't give up on love. 

Will Lori reconcile with Enrique even though he lied to her?

DON'T LET A METEOR RUIN YOUR LIFE is an erotic, romance, mystery, complete at 145,678 words.

It will appeal to both fans of SEX AND THE CITY and THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

Don't miss this golden opportunity to sign the next big thing.

Yours Sincerely,

Joe Bloggs,

P.S. - This time, I haven't even designed my own cover, because I know your guys will do it much better. I did however hire a professional editor. My friend Pete, who's been writing for the local newspaper for twenty years. Pete is a legend.


PITCH: Will Lori the Panda every find love? Or will tradegy ensure she's forever alone? Find out in DON'T LET A METEOR RUIN YOUR LIFE; an erotic, romance, mystery, that will appeal to both fans of SEX AND THE CITY and THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

Book Release: Watch Me Burn, by Sharon Bayliss

Congratulations Sharon Bayliss, on the release of Book Two of the December People Series; Watch Me Burn!

Book one is amazing, and I'm sure book two will be just as fantastic. I'm currently reading Watch Me Burn, so Watch This Space (sorry, couldn't resist!) for the review!

About Watch Me Burn

David Vandergraff lost his home, his job, and contact with his oldest son, but remains determined to be a good husband and father despite being a dark winter wizard.

His resolve is tested when a flyer for a missing girl—who happens to be a summer witch—begins to haunt him. David believes a spell needs to use him to save her, so he follows the magic’s command and looks into her disappearance. His teenage daughter Emmy resents him for caring so much about a random stranger. But when she uncovers some disturbing evidence close to home, she begins an investigation of her own.

David and Emmy quickly learn that the mystery is not only about a missing girl they barely know, but a deeply personal story that impacts everyone they care about. As their world crumbles, they fear the warning may be true—never mess with summer wizards, because the good guys always win.

Amazon | Goodreads

Watch Me Burn Trailer

Watch Me Burn Teasers

About Sharon Bayliss

An avid daydreamer, Sharon Bayliss has lived in magical version of Austin, Texas for her entire life. So, using a fantastical, alternate history Texas as a setting for her debut novel The Charge, was just “writing what she knows”. To her, nothing goes better with barbecue and live music than robots and superhuman royalty.

As a child, Sharon lived on a 6 ½ acre patch of land with cows for neighbors. She enjoyed playing in mud, collecting frogs, and was so certain that there was a ghost in her closet that her mother admits that she half-expected to really find one there. She began writing her first novel at the age of fifteen (handwritten in a spiral marked ‘private’).

A proud Austinite, Sharon never saw much sense in moving anywhere else and got her degree in social work from the University of Texas at Austin. As an author and social worker, she has devoted her life to making the lives of real people better and the lives of fictional people much, much worse. In addition to her official credentials, she is also an expert in fictional Texas history and make-believe neuroscience.

When she’s not writing, she enjoys living in her “happily-ever-after” with her husband and two young sons. She can be found eating Tex-Mex on patios, wearing flip-flops, and still playing in the mud (which she now calls gardening).

Website | Facebook | Twitter | Goodreads

Guest Post: Winter Solstice - Radical Acceptance

One of the perks of working for CQ is that I get to read amazing books for free! One of my favourite CQ novels of this year is Destruction by Sharon Bayliss, and I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of the sequel, Watch Me Burn on January 5, 2015.

As part of her The December People Winter celebration, Sharon agreed to visit my blog, and talk about the Winter Solstice, which as well as being important to winter wizards like the Vandergraff's, is important to me, as it's the date of my youngest's birthday.

To go along with Sharon's guest post, I've also written a review of Destruction, which can be found here.

Take it away, Sharon ...

Traditionally, the winter solstice is primarily a celebration of light, but the dark wizards in The December People Series use this day to celebrate the darkness itself. They are called to "experience" the darkness, and appreciate what the darkness has to offer. Dark wizards are often fighting against what they are, so radically accepting their own darkness is a powerful act.

Although most of us aren't having to accept the fact that we're dark wizards, almost everybody could benefit from radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the ability to experience and accept ourselves and our lives exactly as they are right now. It sounds simple enough, but it's a pretty big deal.

Recently I decided to stop trying to lose weight, and just focus on exercising and eating healthy, without stressing about numbers on a scale. When I made that decision, I realized that I'd never done that before. Ever since I've been fourteen, I've been trying to change my body in some way. I don't consider myself as someone with low self-esteem or body issues, but I was always working toward something. Trying to lose weight. Trying to look good for a summer vacation. Trying to train for a marathon. It was always about what I wanted my body to be in the future, and never what it was right in that moment. Deciding to actually be okay with exactly how I look now was a major change for me.

Radical acceptance is not just about your body. It's about living in the present in all ways, and accepting yourself and you life. Being grateful for what you have instead of hoping you'll have more in the future. It can also be helpful for emotional issues. Of course you want to feel better, but it's also okay to not fight negative feelings. You can be depressed and anxious sometimes. You can grieve. You can be afraid. It's only human.

On the darkest day of the year, take a moment to just experience yourself and your life. Keep your head out of the past and out of the future, and appreciate the present.

About the author:

Sharon Bayliss is the author of the dark wizard family drama, The December People Series. When she’s not writing, she enjoys living happily-ever-after with her husband and two young sons. She can be found eating Tex-Mex on patios, wearing flip-flops, and playing in the mud (which she calls gardening). She only practices magic in emergencies.

www.sharonbayliss.com 

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Begin the series with Destruction for only 99 cents (12/1-12/21 only)!

Semi-finalist in the Kindle Book Review Awards and #1 category bestseller in coming of age fantasy.

About Destruction:

David Vandergraff wants to be a good man. He goes to church every Sunday, keeps his lawn trim and green, and loves his wife and kids more than anything.

Unfortunately, being a dark wizard isn't a choice.

Eleven years ago, David's secret second family went missing. When his two lost children are finally found, he learns they suffered years of unthinkable abuse. Ready to make things right, David brings the kids home even though it could mean losing the wife he can’t imagine living without.

Keeping his life together becomes harder when the new children claim to be dark wizards. David believes they use this fantasy to cope with their trauma. Until, David's wife admits a secret of her own—she is a dark wizard too, as is David, and all of their children.

Now, David must parent two hurting children from a dark world he doesn’t understand and keep his family from falling apart. All while dealing with the realization that everyone he loves, including himself, may be evil.

About Watch Me Burn:

David Vandergraff lost his home, his job, and contact with his oldest son, but remains determined to be a good husband and father despite being a dark winter wizard.

His resolve is tested when a flyer for a missing girl--who happens to be a summer witch--begins to haunt him. David believes a spell needs to use him to save her, so he follows the magic's command and looks into her disappearance. His teenage daughter Emmy resents him for caring so much about a random stranger. But when she uncovers some disturbing evidence close to home, she begins an investigation of her own.

David and Emmy quickly learn that the mystery is not only about a missing girl they barely know, but a deeply personal story that impacts everyone they care about. As their world crumbles, they fear the warning may be true—never mess with summer wizards, because the good guys always win.

ADD ON GOODREADS

PRE-ORDER ON AMAZON

Enter to win!! Get a paperback of your choice of Destruction OR Watch Me Burn. International entries welcome. Also join The December People Winter Celebration for more giveaways!!

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COVER REVEAL: Watch Me Burn, by Sharon Bayliss

I am thrilled to take part in the cover and trailer reveal for Book 2 in The December People Series, Watch Me Burn!

So without further ado...

A note from the author:

Thank you to artist Michelle Johnson and the whole team at Curiosity Quills Press for creating a cover I love! 

If you haven't guessed it by now, you'll see a butterfly on the cover of every book in The December People Series. The butterfly is a symbol of transformation, hope, freedom, and generally creepy crawlies turning into beautiful things. And also...look how pretty! ;)

Instead of the broken glass from Destruction, this butterfly is surrounded by fire, and it's probably obvious why from the title. Watch Me Burn is the summer book in the series. All the books center around my winter wizard family, but each book takes us deeper into a different season. Summer wizards are the "light" wizards, but light also means HEAT and FIRE.

More about Watch Me Burn:

David Vandergraff lost his home, his job, and contact with his oldest son, but remains determined to be a good husband and father despite being a dark winter wizard.

His resolve is tested when a flyer for a missing girl--who happens to be a summer witch--begins to haunt him. David believes a spell needs to use him to save her, so he follows the magic's command and looks into her disappearance. His teenage daughter Emmy resents him for caring so much about a random stranger. But when she uncovers some disturbing evidence close to home, she begins an investigation of her own.

David and Emmy quickly learn that the mystery is not only about a missing girl they barely know, but a deeply personal story that impacts everyone they care about. As their world crumbles, they fear the warning may be true—never mess with summer wizards, because the good guys always win.

ADD ON GOODREADS

PRE-ORDER ON AMAZON

If you're new to The December People Series, start with Destruction--99 cents for a limited time!

Enter to win!! Get a paperback of your choice of Destruction OR Watch Me Burn. International entries welcome. Also join The December People Winter Celebration for more giveaways!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

BAD Query Contest

Today, I'm taking part in Sharon Bayliss' Bad Query Contest.

Here's what Sharon had to say about the contest:

There are lots of query contests out there looking for GOOD queries, but I'm offering something different. On June 10th, I'll be looking for the worst of the worst.

Here is how it will work:

1) On June 10th, write the worst query you can and post it on your blog.

2) Hop around to the other blogs and take in all the horribleness.

3) On 6/10-6/13, visit www.sharonbayliss.com to vote for your favorite BAD query.

The query with the most votes will win a $25 Amazon gift card and the glory of knowing you're the worst of the worst.

The idea is to write a fictional query highlighting bad query qualities, not to showcase actual bad queries!

The contest is an opportunity to have fun, make each other laugh, and get all the bad query writing out of our system. Anyone who pokes fun at an actual author or book will be disqualified.

Here's mine:

Hey yo, publishing people!

I gots to tell ya 'bout this killer book that I wrote, 'cuz I know it's gonna make you millions.

You see, it's about an orphan boy who can do magic, and during his first year at magic school, he has to destroy an evil ring, by taking it through an enchanted wardrobe, to this land where it's always winter. But in the land of always winter, there's this political plot, and the boy had to survive, as seven houses battle for a throne.

Totes original, right? I don't think you've read anything like this before ... you know why? My sister's boyfriend's hair-dresser's dog read it for me, and said it was the best story ever, and he should know, 'cos he's the second cousin twice removed of the president of Random House Publishing.

And this bad boy doesn't even need editing, yo, because I totes ran it through spell-check first and got rid of all those red squiggly lines.

Plus, I made you a cover:

So, you see, it's pretty much ready to publish, right? And if you do publish it, I'm 100% certain it will be a New York Times best seller, and make you millions of dollars. And if you do accept my book, I will buy you a cookie.

But if you don't, I'm coming to your house, and pooping on your front lawn. So you better publish my book! Or else!!!

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Joe Bloggs (future famous author)

Sharon Bayliss' Bad Query Contest

There are lots of query contests out there looking for GOOD queries, but Sharon Bayliss is offering something different.

On June 10th, Sharon will be looking for the worst of the worst.

Here is how it will work: 

1) On June 10th, write the worst query you can and post it on your blog.

2) Hop around to the other blogs and take in all the horribleness.

3) On 6/10-6/13, visit www.sharonbayliss.com to vote for your favorite BAD query.

The query with the most votes will win a $25 Amazon gift card and the glory of knowing you're the worst of the worst.

 The idea is to write a fictional query highlighting bad query qualities, not to showcase actual bad queries! The contest is an opportunity to have fun, make each other laugh, and get all the bad query writing out of our system. Anyone who pokes fun at an actual author or book will be disqualified.

Sign up here!

Destruction Blog Tour: The Magic of The December People Series by Sharon Bayliss

Hey Folks!

I'm here today as part of Sharon Bayliss' tour for her newly released urban-fantasy, Destruction, which is book one of The December People Series.

I was lucky enough to read Destruction before release, and instantly feel in love with the world Sharon has created in The December People Series. Her take on wizards and magic is so original and intriguing that I knew I had to invite her to my blog to talk about it when the Destruction tour rolled around.

Take it away, Sharon ...

One of the really fun things about writing a story about wizards is creating your own magical concepts and spells. The magic in The December People Series is intended to feel as real as possible, so I based my magic on "real" magic. By "real" magic, I mean I adapted ideas from pagan and religious practices and was inspired by what I consider to be real magical concepts--things like love, faith, prayer, self-confidence, and visualizing and realizing your own destiny.

An important thing about magic in The December People Series is it's simplicity. Wizards do participate in rituals, but the most powerful spells are incredibly simple. Basically a wizard wants something--like money, love, revenge, etc.--and it comes to be. There is no wand waving or incantations...although speaking the goal out loud can help with the spell's power and precision. Although casting spells in The December People is simple, it doesn't mean it's easy. Wizards must work within the natural realm. If they want someone dead, they can't simply shout avada kedavra and the victim drops dead. A wizard wishes someone dead, and then they wait for the spell to take it's course through natural means. Common wizard induced deaths are sudden health problems like stroke and heart attack or accidents.

However, if magic was as simple as it sounds, all wizards would be extremely happy millionaires. On the contrary, wizards are prone to short lives and all sorts of misfortunes. Although their magic is powerful, most wizards don't understand how to use it. It's like trying to design a bomb with only a few lines of instructions. With a wizard spell, you can determine the ends, but you can't determine the means. So, if you cast a spell to get money, chances are, the means won't be worth the ends, especially if you're a dark wizard who wields destructive magic. You'll probably get your money because your husband dies and you get his life insurance. Or, you or someone you love will be paralyzed in an accident and you'll win settlement money. Since magic is extremely dangerous in this way, smart wizards don't use it to get frivolous things like money.

Here are some examples of magic you'll see in book one of The December People Series:

Catalyst spells - Perhaps the simplest and most dangerous type of spell, catalyst spells involve adjusting fate to get something you want. Most wizards can control the ends, but not the means.

Perception - When wizards are paying attention, they can be extremely perceptive, to the point that they can almost read minds and see the future. They can also perceive the world around them without the use of their Mundane senses.

Force of body or mind - Used defensively or offensively, and sometimes unintentionally, wizards can send their magic outside of themselves to impact the body or mind of another. With winter wizards, this is almost always done to cause pain or distress, however other types of wizards can create a calming or otherwise positive effect.

Prophecy - Outside of simple perception, some talented wizards can see events in the future. These are generally events that are significant enough that they leave a mark on time that wizards are able to see.

Shielding - To protect themselves, some wizards can actually slide out of consciousness, or make themselves unaware of certain facts.

Expungement - Whereas shielding is done to oneself, expungement is removing memories or thoughts from another person. A similar skill is saving or manipulating memories, although the latter is extremely difficult.

Show or Frivolous Magic - This type of magic has no real purpose and is mostly used in rituals. Generally it means manifesting your magic into something that can be seen, like light. 

Talismans - This protective magic is ritualized by keeping actual objects to symbolize protection, but the real power comes from genuine talismans, which are always people. A wizard's talisman is a person who's love or loyalty protects their soul from harm. This is especially important for winter wizards whose magic can easily corrupt the soul.

Types of Wizards - Wizards' magic is classified by the solar year, and wizards are generally defined by the season in which they fall. Their season determines the quality of their magic, and impacts both the means and the ends of spells. Winter magic is destructive, which means that no matter their goal, their magic will always have a destructive quality.

Now that you've completed your Cliff Notes style magical education, you probably already know more about magic than most of the characters in The December People. :)

As the series progresses, you can look forward to learning about new types of magic, especially magic wielded by the other seasons.

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BARNES AND NOBLE

David Vandergraff wants to be a good man. He goes to church every Sunday, keeps his lawn trim and green, and loves his wife and kids more than anything. Unfortunately, being a dark wizard isn't a choice.

Eleven years ago, David's secret second family went missing. When his two lost children are finally found, he learns they suffered years of unthinkable abuse. Ready to make things right, David brings the kids home even though it could mean losing the wife he can’t imagine living without. 

Keeping his life together becomes harder when the new children claim to be dark wizards. David believes they use this fantasy to cope with their trauma. Until, David's wife admits a secret of her own—she is a dark wizard too, as is David, and all of their children.  

Now, David must parent two hurting children from a dark world he doesn’t understand and keep his family from falling apart. All while dealing with the realization that everyone he loves, including himself, may be evil.

The Author

Sharon Bayliss is the author of The December People Series and The Charge. When she’s not writing, she enjoys living happily-ever-after with her husband and two young sons. She can be found eating Tex-Mex on patios, wearing flip-flops, and playing in the mud (which she calls gardening). She only practices magic in emergencies.

www.sharonbayliss.com - @SharonBayliss - https://www.facebook.com/authorsharonbayliss

Destruction by Sharon Bayliss Release Day Blitz

Introducing a new dark wizard family drama, Destruction by Sharon Bayliss, Book One in The December People Series.

BUY NOW

THE BOOK SPOT

An independent family-owned bookstore. The ONLY place to buy signed copies!

BOOK PEOPLE

A locally owned book store in Austin, Texas.

AMAZON

BARNES AND NOBLE

David Vandergraff wants to be a good man. He goes to church every Sunday, keeps his lawn trim and green, and loves his wife and kids more than anything. Unfortunately, being a dark wizard isn't a choice.

Eleven years ago, David's secret second family went missing. When his two lost children are finally found, he learns they suffered years of unthinkable abuse. Ready to make things right, David brings the kids home even though it could mean losing the wife he can’t imagine living without. 

Keeping his life together becomes harder when the new children claim to be dark wizards. David believes they use this fantasy to cope with their trauma. Until, David's wife admits a secret of her own—she is a dark wizard too, as is David, and all of their children.  

Now, David must parent two hurting children from a dark world he doesn’t understand and keep his family from falling apart. All while dealing with the realization that everyone he loves, including himself, may be evil.

The Author

Sharon Bayliss is the author of The December People Series and The Charge. When she’s not writing, she enjoys living happily-ever-after with her husband and two young sons. She can be found eating Tex-Mex on patios, wearing flip-flops, and playing in the mud (which she calls gardening). She only practices magic in emergencies.

www.sharonbayliss.com - @SharonBayliss - https://www.facebook.com/authorsharonbayliss

Cover Reveal: Destruction by Sharon Bayliss

Happy Wednesday, all! 

Today I'm excited to be taking part in the cover reveal for Sharon Bayliss' Destruction (Book One of The December People Series), a family drama about dark wizards living in Houston, scheduled for release 4/14/14.   

About Destruction:

David Vandergraff wants to be a good man. He goes to church every Sunday, keeps his lawn trim and green, and loves his wife and kids more than anything. Unfortunately, being a dark wizard isn't a choice. Eleven years ago, David's secret second family went missing. When his two lost children are finally found, he learns they suffered years of unthinkable abuse. Ready to make things right, David brings the kids home even though it could mean losing the wife he can’t imagine living without. Keeping his life together becomes harder when the new children claim to be dark wizards. David believes they use this fantasy to cope with their trauma. Until, David's wife admits a secret of her own—she is a dark wizard too, as is David, and all of their children. Now, David must parent two hurting children from a dark world he doesn’t understand and keep his family from falling apart. All while dealing with the realization that everyone he loves, including himself, may be evil.

Find The December People Series Online:

Goodreads | Facebook | Blog Tour\ARC Sign Up | Newsletter 

I also have a special message from Sharon Bayliss: 

"The butterfly will show up on the cover of all four books in the series, as a symbol of redemption, hope, and re-birth. Despite the dark themes in the series, I believe that the most important themes of the series are hopeful ones, such as love, family, and triumph against adversity, which is why the butterfly is in the center. The broken glass surrounding the butterfly rather obviously symbolizes the concept of destruction, which is also a central theme. The title Destruction refers to the fact that dark magic is inherently destructive, but also refers to how a person can be destroyed, in body or soul. One thing I was sure of, I wanted the word, Destruction, to be in "pretty" letters. I loved the contrast of having a dark and violent word look beautiful. This also fits the theme, as I wish to show the beauty in darkness and destruction, and the good in people who are supposed to be evil."

Destruction Trailer:

About Sharon Bayliss:

An avid daydreamer, Sharon Bayliss has lived in magical version of Austin, Texas for her entire life. So, using a fantastical, alternate history Texas as a setting for her debut novel The Charge, was just “writing what she knows”. 

To her, nothing goes better with barbecue and live music than robots and superhuman royalty. 

 As a child, Sharon lived on a 6 ½ acre patch of land with cows for neighbors. She enjoyed playing in mud, collecting frogs, and was so certain that there was a ghost in her closet that her mother admits that she half-expected to really find one there. 

She began writing her first novel at the age of fifteen (handwritten in a spiral marked ‘private’). A proud Austinite, Sharon never saw much sense in moving anywhere else and got her degree in social work from the University of Texas at Austin. 

As an author and social worker, she has devoted her life to making the lives of real people better and the lives of fictional people much, much worse. In addition to her official credentials, she is also an expert in fictional Texas history and make-believe neuroscience. 

When she’s not writing, she enjoys living in her “happily-ever-after” with her husband and two young sons. She can be found eating Tex-Mex on patios, wearing flip-flops, and still playing in the mud (which she now calls gardening).

Find Sharon Bayliss Online:

Homepage | Facebook | Twitter | Goodreads | Google +