The Best BAD Query Contest 2015

Happy Monday, Folks! I'm here for Sharon Bayliss' second annual Bad Query Contest

Here is how to play:

1) Sign up on the linky list
2) On 6/1/15, Post your TERRIBLE query and 35 word pitch on your blog (or however many words you feel need to follow guidelines here). If you wish, also tweet your pitch with the #bestbadpitch tag.
3) Read the other entries and come back here to vote for the worst!

The winner will get a $25 Amazon gift card and the honor of sucking it up the most in 2015! 

This contest is all about FUN! It's not about being mean to anyone, including yourself! So that means no real queries or pitches and no basing your query or pitch on a real book or author. You must write a query and pitch from scratch using all your backwards creative juices to make it a real stinker.

Dearest esteemed publishers,

Greetings. It's Joe Bloggs here. You may remember I queried The Quest of the Orphan Boy last year. 
It's okay that you rejected that story, and I'm sorry I pooped on your lawn. I cleared it up, and made you cookies. *cookies smell suspiciously of poop*.

I have an even better story for you this year, that's guaranteed to make you millions, and be turned into a Box Office hit in Hollywood.

Lori is a sad panda. All she wants is to find a nice mate, but all the other pandas thing she's over-weight. 

Lori the panda considers liposuction, but then her best friend Hillary the Marine Turtle says you shouldn't change for any man.

Just when Lori is beginning to think she'll never find love, in walks Enrique and turns her world upside down.

Tall, dark, handsome and mysterious, Enrique is every girl panda's dream. But something about the brooding Enrique doesn't add up. When they first meet, he tells Lori he's an astronaut, but after their first date, he mentions he's a spy for the secret service.

Who is Enrique? Lori needs to find out soon, because she's fast falling for the enigmatic Enrique, and her heart can't hold on any longer. 

But then tragedy strikes. Poor Hillary is hit by a falling meteor, and in the aftermath, it's revealed Enrique isn't an astronaut or a spy. He isn't even a panda!

He was an American black bear who'd painted white stripes on himself.

Lori's world is in turmoil. She's lost her best friend in a freak accident, and the man she loves is an impostor. 

One night, Hillary's spirit comes to Lori in a dream, and tells her she can't give up on love. 

Will Lori reconcile with Enrique even though he lied to her?

DON'T LET A METEOR RUIN YOUR LIFE is an erotic, romance, mystery, complete at 145,678 words.

It will appeal to both fans of SEX AND THE CITY and THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

Don't miss this golden opportunity to sign the next big thing.

Yours Sincerely,

Joe Bloggs,

P.S. - This time, I haven't even designed my own cover, because I know your guys will do it much better. I did however hire a professional editor. My friend Pete, who's been writing for the local newspaper for twenty years. Pete is a legend.

PITCH: Will Lori the Panda every find love? Or will tradegy ensure she's forever alone? Find out in DON'T LET A METEOR RUIN YOUR LIFE; an erotic, romance, mystery, that will appeal to both fans of SEX AND THE CITY and THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.


  1. lol. Well, at 146k words those erotic scenes better be more revealing than 50 Shades! This was a lot of fun Clare.

  2. Who can resist a mysterious Panda?

  3. BEAR SEX. This will get a 6 mil, 12 book deal, probably.

  4. Wow!! Poor Lori, I hope she finds love! I hope this gets turned into a movie because it's soooo realistic!

  5. Fans of the Discovery Channel - funny! That is a riot.

  6. I can't stop laughing! That is hilarious! I think I want to read it now. :)

  7. Oh sad panda. Hilarious! My favorite part is "will appeal to both fans of SEX AND THE CITY and THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL."

  8. Too funny, and perfection for the quest!

  9. I was thinking it sounded like a fun read until I saw it was 145,678 words. I'm not sure I could stand quite so much excitement, mystery and erotic bear lurve.

  10. Hahahahaha this made my day. :-D


Thank you for taking the time to read this entry, and comment. I really appreciate it.