A Wild Clare Appeared!

 *waves from the entrance of my cave*

If you were a Pokemon, which would you be? I'd be an Umbreon. A cute cat/ fox/ dog/ rabbit creature who harnesses the power of the moon! 

But this post isn't about Pokemon, I just borrowed the title from the Pokemon phrase "A wild Pokemon appeared," because that's a little bit how I'm feeling right now.

I feel like I've just emerged from a dark cave, or the depths of a haunted forest or something.

In my last post, I talked about putting my serial web fiction, LICHES, LEGENDS AND LOVE on hiatus, and how part of the reason was that I was struggling due to (possible) ADHD.

Well, things certainly got worse before they got better!

After dropping out of the Hexes and Heiresses: Tales of the Witch Queens Collection (which releases on August 29, if you're still interested in reading the stories by the other awesome authors in the collection) and putting my own writing on hiatus, I thought I'd be okay with just ghostwriting alone.

I wasn't.

I tried to power through, because I hated the idea of breaking the agreement I had with the client, and I didn't like the thought of dropping down to one income while my hubby's business is still less than two years old.

Side tangent -- if you love handheld gaming, specifically the Steam Deck and Asus Rog Ally, or if you just want to support a growing business (which in turn supports me) please check out RetroResolve. It really is an amazing site for gaming news, and my hubby has put in a lot of work over the last 14(?) months.

Anyway, back on track ... I was near the beginning of a new ghostwriting project and the same old patterns of avoidance were coming. Plus, I could feel the signs of burnout and depression. I started sinking deeper and deeper into despair. I went from avoiding work by doing things I enjoyed like crafting, to instead just sleeping all day. And then staying up all night watching YouTube, while my intrusive thoughts run rampant.

These thoughts are thoughts I've dealt with before, and I'm sure many others have too. I started feeling like things were never going to get better, and maybe there was only one way out ... but I didn't want to seriously contemplate *that*. 

I just wanted to get better.

Thankfully, as well as being a wonderful video game journalist and fantastic father, the man I married is also an amazing partner, who always listens to me, and offers me the best advice.

After talking things through with my hubby I knew it was time to make changes. Even though I hated letting my client down, I told them I'm stepping away from ghostwriting. It wasn't doing me any favors mentally, and I've since realized it's not the right profession for me.

I also called the GP. I told them how I was feeling and asked what more help is available. One of the first things I was able to do is change my ADHD diagnosis referral from the NHS (the health system in the UK for those who don't know) to something called 'Right to Choose', which basically allows people to get private medical care, but the NHS still covers the cost, because they're failing to meet the initial needs of the NHS. Yes, it's a sign the NHS needs reform, but that's not what this post is about.

Anyway, my referral has been sent, and compared to the NHS waiting times (which I've been told can be anything from two years onwards), I'm looking at a seven-month wait for an assessment, and then a further seven months of medication triation. Not ideal, by any means, but I can't afford to get a private diagnosis, so that's where I'm at.

The GP also gave me a sick note, so that I can change my benefit claim from self-employed to unable to work at the moment. That means that instead of having monthly checkings with a government advisor to see how my self-employment is progressing, instead, I'm having regular check-ins with a slightly different department that will provide me with advice, guidance, and services to help with my mental health conditions until I'm well enough to work again. As an added bonus, we will also receive benefit payments if my husband's income falls under a certain amount. 

The GP also referred me for CBT and a service called 'listening and guidance'. The CBT has about a three-month waiting list, and I've only had one listening and guidance session, but it is helping me look at my life through a different lens.

Most helpful of all has been the support of the person from the government's capacity for work department. She put me in touch with Access to Work, which offers mental health help, and grants for people struggling to find employment or maintain employment due to mental health conditions. Through AtW, I have been able to get ADHD coaching sessions, which will start in a few weeks.

Along with these services, I must also say one thing I know that is helping is my spirituality and relationship with God. For many, many years I've struggled with religion, and also 'dabbled' in the occult and witchcraft. But through my mom, who is a devout Christian, I have found my way back to God. I'm not going to tell anyone else what to do, who to worship, or whatever. I'm just saying, from my personal experience, knowing I am on God's path and that They are looking out for me is really helping. 

So, all that to say, I finally feel like I'm coming out of a cave. I want to do things other than just sleep and scroll on the internet. I'm thinking about my future.

And I'm thinking about writing.

I've had an idea that won't leave me alone, and I've written about 1k words already, but I don't want to make any commitments, because knowing both how my ADHD works, and that I'm still recovering from burnout, it could be *something* or it could end up being nothing. Only time will tell. But even if it does turn out to be nothing, the important thing is, I feel like I have a spark that has been missing from my life slowly returning to me.

I don't know what that means for Liches, Legends, and Love yet, either. I *want* to finish the serial, and then publish the complete edition on Amazon. But I don't have a time scale for that, or any idea if I will continue the Ancile Series. For now, it's all very much, wait and see. But wait and see is better than the darkness I was lost in before.

Finally, I'm thinking about what I want to do when I am well enough to work again. While I did LOVE ghostwriting for a long time, I've since come to realize, I held onto it for too long. The types of stories I was writing, and the pressure I was putting on myself weren't good for my health, or for my passion for writing. It won't be something I go back to.

So what's next? Honestly, I have no clue! I've narrowed it down to a small list of 'must-haves'. Ideally, I'd like to continue to be able to work from home (at least for the foreseeable future), it must be creative. I love the idea of also being able to help others. And I also feel I'd be better suited to a position where I have someone to report to, so that I have a measure of accountability to keep me on track.

Of course, the ADHD coaching will also help with that and will help me identify other strengths and weaknesses.

One path I'm contemplating is getting back into the publishing industry/ assisting authors, similar to what I was doing with CQ, but on a smaller scale. BUT I also keep thinking about the ADHD situation in the UK, and how I *want* to help with that. So maybe something connected to ADHD coaching is a possibility. Again, time will tell.

But for now, I'm thinking of the future, and making plans. We have my son and his girlfriend coming to stay with us for a week this Saturday, and we have a few day trips planned. Then I think I will continue taking the rest of August off, and doing things I love such as crafting and playing Sims.

But from September, I'd like to get into a more work-like routine, maybe work on this story idea I've had. Maybe do some courses to help me redirect my career.

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Life isn't perfect, but things are a lot better than they've been for months, and I know the future can only get better from here.

If you've stuck with me this far, thanks for reading! If you have news you'd like to share, or anything important I've missed, I'd love to hear all about it. I'd love to reconnect with people who I've fallen out of touch with, so in the coming weeks, I'm going to be making an effort to catch up with people, and hopefully be around more on social media.

T.T.F.N

Clare