Son of a Pitch: Query Round!

Hey all!

So after my success with PitchWars (one mentor liked my query and first chapter enough to request the full manuscript!), I've decided it's time to start putting All It Takes out there for the world to see, in the form of querying and entering pitch contests etc.

The first of which is Son of A Pitch, hosted by CQ author Katie Hamstead! The first round calls for entrants to post their query and first 250 words for peer critiquing.

Here's mine for anyone who has time to critique it, and I'll be off visiting the other entrants!

Title: All It Takes

Category and Genre: Adult, contemporary romance

Word Count: 120,000

Query: 

In ALL IT TALES university student Megan Green finds herself pregnant after a rare one-night-stand with womanizing cage fighter Kian Murphy.

Still trying to get her head around the unplanned changes to her life, Megan has to deal with Kian’s demands for a paternity test. She takes his request as a personal insult, causing a gulf between them.

After Kian blows up at an interviewer on live TV, Megan is left questioning if he’s really the type of person she wants to raise a child with. Spiraling out of control, Kian returns to old bad habits of drinking and lashing out; landing himself in hospital.

Faced with the possibility of losing Kian, Megan admits her feelings for him. But Kian, who has just agreed to return to therapy for his anger issues, insists he’ll only end up hurting her.

When the stress of graduating and looking for a new job cause complications in the pregnancy, and Megan is admitted to hospital, Kian realizes he can’t keep pushing her away.

As the baby’s due date approaches, and their feelings for each other grow, Megan and Kian are left questioning what the future holds.

ALL IT TAKES is a dual-POV adult, contemporary romance about responsibility, love and self-discovery that is rooted in my personal experience of becoming pregnant in my early twenties; complete at 120,000 words.

First 250 Words:

 “Come on, Meg. It’s almost Christmas. If that isn’t cause for celebration I don’t know what is.” My best friend Stacey looked up at me from behind long lashes, her baby blues pleading with me. The puppy dog eyes worked on men without fail, but I’d known her for eleven years. Her charms had no power over me.

Still, the lure of a night of drinking and dancing couldn’t be ignored. We’d been slaving away at uni for months. We deserved a night out.

“All right, but let’s not make it a late one, okay? I’ve got work in the morning.”

“We’ll go to O’Neil’s. There’s a band playing; it’ll be fun.”

“Oh no, not O’Neil’s. That place is a dive.”

“I like it.” Stacey pouted. Another trick she used to get her own way. I could see why men found it adorable, and I knew men were exactly what she had in mind.

“You only want to go there because it’s where all the gym junkies hang out, and you’re hoping to snare one.”

“Have you seen some of the guys that go there? There’s this one, Josh Browne, he’s an MMA fighter and OH.MY.GOD. You should see his body.”

I laughed and shook my head. I could appreciate a hot body as much as the next girl. Hell, I’d been charmed by a pair of biceps and a few well-placed tattoos in the past.


“Okay, we’ll go to O’Neil’s. You can pull a fighter, and everyone will be happy.”

11 comments:

  1. Sounds like an interesting read! For your query, the first time you mention the book's title, there's a typo. I like the query, it's concise and too the point, but it seems a little choppy. Just one action after another, maybe find a way to smooth it out more and make the sentences flow.
    Your first 250 is really good! The dialogue is very natural sounding and right away, we get a taste of character. Good job and good luck!

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    1. Thank you for your feedback. I cannot believe I missed that typo! :(

      I'll look into trying to make the points flow together more smoothly. :)

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  2. Sounds like a good story and very relevant for today. Curious as to how these characters find the answers they are looking for.

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  3. Hello Clare! This is a challenging topic and one very worthy of exploration :) Also, thank you for commenting on mine already.

    Here are my initial thoughts/comments on your materials:
    - Length seems a little long for the genre and general market from what I've read. Take that with a grain of salt because there seems to lots of "opinions" on length but at the recent writer's conference I went to, a lot of agents commented on work being too long. So maybe just something to mull over.
    - You almost give too much away in the query. I would cut it maybe when Kian's life is spiraling out of control and give a little more detail surrounding their relationship dynamics. That establishes the stakes and leaves us wondering "what happens next?"
    - The problem I have with the first 250 words is... we know more about her friend than we do about her. Meg is the main character but I don't have a sense of her voice or who she is. Again, 250 words is NOT enough to get anyone plugged in really but since you only have 250 words to do it, I would make it about Meg herself. Also, there's repetition about Stacey's allure to men, you mention it twice in two different parts in the first 250 words.
    - The second to last sentence seemed awkward to me. I kept rereading it. I think my problem with it is the implication that she likes hot guys but then is followed by "in the past" implying she is no longer attracted to hot men. I think it just needs to be worked a little for clarity.
    - Your pacing is great, dialogue is great, and I love that you don't bog it down with annoying speech tags considering there's just the two of them. Very clean, very appealing work :)

    Good luck and keep writing! :D

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    1. Hey Lindsay. Thanks for dropping by!

      The word count is something some people have warned me about (I keep getting mixed opinions) and I am working on getting it down.

      I will look into making the query less revealing, and leaving more loose ends, so the reader is left wondering what happens next.

      Thanks for the advice on the first 250 words. You're right, it's so hard to show the story in such a small space, but I will aim to get Megan more front and centre. :)

      Thanks for the advice about the last sentence of the first 250. I'll take a look at that and try to make it smoother. :D

      Delete
  4. Query:

    In ALL IT TALES university student Megan Green finds herself pregnant after a rare one-night-stand with womanizing cage fighter Kian Murphy.

    Still trying to get her head around the unplanned changes to her life, Megan has to deal with Kian’s demands for a paternity test. She takes his request as a personal insult, causing a gulf between them.

    After Kian blows up at an interviewer on live TV, Megan is left questioning if he’s really the type of person she wants to raise a child with. (I got an impression he’s not interested in raising their child.) Spiraling out of control, Kian returns to (old his) bad habits (I think all habits are more or less old) of drinking and lashing out(; comma) landing (himself) in hospital. (There are too many “ing” words in this sentence IMO.)

    Faced with the possibility of losing Kian, Megan admits her feelings for him. But Kian, who has just agreed to return to therapy for his anger issues, insists he’ll only end up hurting her.

    When the stress of graduating and looking for a new job cause complications in the pregnancy, and Megan is admitted to hospital, Kian realizes he can’t keep pushing her away. (This is clunky to my ear. Let me rephrase it:
    When Megan is admitted to the hospital with complications of pregnancy caused by stress of graduating and looking for a new job, Kian realizes he can’t keep pushing her away. No, still too much. I’d simplify or break the sentence in two.)

    As the baby’s due date approaches, and their feelings for each other grow, Megan and Kian are left questioning what the future holds.
    (I admit, I don’t read romance. I’m not sure about your stakes in the query. We all know what the future holds for them. They have to get together because that’s what the genre requires them to do. I honestly don’t know if and how you can make it more interesting.)

    ALL IT TAKES is a dual-POV adult, contemporary romance about responsibility, love and self-discovery that is rooted in my personal experience of becoming pregnant in my early twenties; (Nice personal touch) complete at 120,000 words. (The sentence is overloaded IMO. I’d break it in two.)

    (The query is pretty clear and concise. I’d watch for “ing” words. They weaken your query IMO. As others pointed out, the writing feels choppy because almost every sentence is a new para. You can try to link the sentences to provide better transitions and overall flow.)

    First 250 Words:

    Your page is pretty clean. If anything, I’d like some specifics to bring more life to it. “Slaving away at uni” is not as good as writing a particular thesis for graduation. “I’ve got work in the morning” can mean anything from overdue papers to an extra shift at Starbucks. “Everyone will be happy” is another example of trite generalities IMO.
    I hope my comments help.
    Good luck!

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    1. Thanks for the feedback, Victor. Many of the points you made were really good ones I feel stupid for not noticing myself. Going to polish the query some more before tomorrow's submissions.

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  5. I can swear I put a comment last night. Did you get it?

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    1. Sorry, comment moderation is on. It should be showing now! :D

      Delete
  6. Intriguing! I'd love to see how much the characters develop. In fact, do you have synapses on the main two, and maybe the best friend, if she plays a key role?

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Thank you for taking the time to read this entry, and comment. I really appreciate it.