The Best BAD Query Contest 2015

Happy Monday, Folks! I'm here for Sharon Bayliss' second annual Bad Query Contest. 

Here is how to play:

1) Sign up on the linky list
2) On 6/1/15, Post your TERRIBLE query and 35 word pitch on your blog (or however many words you feel like...no need to follow guidelines here). If you wish, also tweet your pitch with the #bestbadpitch tag.
3) Read the other entries and come back here to vote for the worst!

The winner will get a $25 Amazon gift card and the honor of sucking it up the most in 2015! 

This contest is all about FUN! It's not about being mean to anyone, including yourself! So that means no real queries or pitches and no basing your query or pitch on a real book or author. You must write a query and pitch from scratch using all your backwards creative juices to make it a real stinker.

Dearest esteemed publishers,

Greetings. It's Joe Bloggs here. You may remember I queried The Quest of the Orphan Boy last year. 
It's okay that you rejected that story, and I'm sorry I pooped on your lawn. I cleared it up, and made you cookies. *cookies smell suspiciously of poop*.

I have an even better story for you this year, that's guaranteed to make you millions, and be turned into a Box Office hit in Hollywood.

Lori is a sad panda. All she wants is to find a nice mate, but all the other pandas thing she's over-weight. 

Lori the panda considers liposuction, but then her best friend Hillary the Marine Turtle says you shouldn't change for any man.

Just when Lori is beginning to think she'll never find love, in walks Enrique and turns her world upside down.

Tall, dark, handsome and mysterious, Enrique is every girl panda's dream. But something about the brooding Enrique doesn't add up. When they first meet, he tells Lori he's an astronaut, but after their first date, he mentions he's a spy for the secret service.

Who is Enrique? Lori needs to find out soon, because she's fast falling for the enigmatic Enrique, and her heart can't hold on any longer. 

But then tragedy strikes. Poor Hillary is hit by a falling meteor, and in the aftermath, it's revealed Enrique isn't an astronaut or a spy. He isn't even a panda!

He was an American black bear who'd painted white stripes on himself.

Lori's world is in turmoil. She's lost her best friend in a freak accident, and the man she loves is an impostor. 

One night, Hillary's spirit comes to Lori in a dream, and tells her she can't give up on love. 

Will Lori reconcile with Enrique even though he lied to her?

DON'T LET A METEOR RUIN YOUR LIFE is an erotic, romance, mystery, complete at 145,678 words.

It will appeal to both fans of SEX AND THE CITY and THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

Don't miss this golden opportunity to sign the next big thing.

Yours Sincerely,

Joe Bloggs,

P.S. - This time, I haven't even designed my own cover, because I know your guys will do it much better. I did however hire a professional editor. My friend Pete, who's been writing for the local newspaper for twenty years. Pete is a legend.


PITCH: Will Lori the Panda every find love? Or will tradegy ensure she's forever alone? Find out in DON'T LET A METEOR RUIN YOUR LIFE; an erotic, romance, mystery, that will appeal to both fans of SEX AND THE CITY and THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

BAD Query Contest

Today, I'm taking part in Sharon Bayliss' Bad Query Contest.

Here's what Sharon had to say about the contest:

There are lots of query contests out there looking for GOOD queries, but I'm offering something different. On June 10th, I'll be looking for the worst of the worst.

Here is how it will work:

1) On June 10th, write the worst query you can and post it on your blog.

2) Hop around to the other blogs and take in all the horribleness.

3) On 6/10-6/13, visit www.sharonbayliss.com to vote for your favorite BAD query.

The query with the most votes will win a $25 Amazon gift card and the glory of knowing you're the worst of the worst.

The idea is to write a fictional query highlighting bad query qualities, not to showcase actual bad queries!

The contest is an opportunity to have fun, make each other laugh, and get all the bad query writing out of our system. Anyone who pokes fun at an actual author or book will be disqualified.

Here's mine:

Hey yo, publishing people!

I gots to tell ya 'bout this killer book that I wrote, 'cuz I know it's gonna make you millions.

You see, it's about an orphan boy who can do magic, and during his first year at magic school, he has to destroy an evil ring, by taking it through an enchanted wardrobe, to this land where it's always winter. But in the land of always winter, there's this political plot, and the boy had to survive, as seven houses battle for a throne.

Totes original, right? I don't think you've read anything like this before ... you know why? My sister's boyfriend's hair-dresser's dog read it for me, and said it was the best story ever, and he should know, 'cos he's the second cousin twice removed of the president of Random House Publishing.

And this bad boy doesn't even need editing, yo, because I totes ran it through spell-check first and got rid of all those red squiggly lines.

Plus, I made you a cover:

So, you see, it's pretty much ready to publish, right? And if you do publish it, I'm 100% certain it will be a New York Times best seller, and make you millions of dollars. And if you do accept my book, I will buy you a cookie.

But if you don't, I'm coming to your house, and pooping on your front lawn. So you better publish my book! Or else!!!

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Joe Bloggs (future famous author)

Sharon Bayliss' Bad Query Contest

There are lots of query contests out there looking for GOOD queries, but Sharon Bayliss is offering something different.

On June 10th, Sharon will be looking for the worst of the worst.

Here is how it will work: 

1) On June 10th, write the worst query you can and post it on your blog.

2) Hop around to the other blogs and take in all the horribleness.

3) On 6/10-6/13, visit www.sharonbayliss.com to vote for your favorite BAD query.

The query with the most votes will win a $25 Amazon gift card and the glory of knowing you're the worst of the worst.

 The idea is to write a fictional query highlighting bad query qualities, not to showcase actual bad queries! The contest is an opportunity to have fun, make each other laugh, and get all the bad query writing out of our system. Anyone who pokes fun at an actual author or book will be disqualified.

Sign up here!